My son, Atticus, died as the result of a drug overdose, including lethal amounts of meth and fentanyl, on November 3, 2022. Much of my life, I have been a voracious reader. After his death, I have struggled to read books. What follows is my attempt to document my reading struggles, in the hopes that it helps me overcome then.
February 14, 2023: For the third time this year, I have picked up a book from my local library to read. I have not completed any book this year. Some, I don’t even get past the first few pages. This book I picked is a collection of short stores by Neil Gaiman, entitled Trigger Warning. I decided that if I knew the stories were short, it may help. Tonight, I read the first three pages of the 27-page introduction. To you, this seems trivial. To me, it’s a good first step, because I want to read more. Most of the books I have attempted, I realized I was forcing myself to continue. This time, I want to continue. However, I’m tired and it’s time for sleep.
February 15, 2023: I easily read the remaining 24 pages of the introduction. Much of it was a description of each story. I am going to let it take up residence in the back of my mind and, hopefully, begin the first story tomorrow.
February 20, 2023: After a few days to focus on school stuff, I started reading the stories today. I made it through three stories and 32 pages. I started the fourth story, but quickly lost focus, so I set it aside. Tomorrow will be a busy, mentally taxing day, so maybe on Wednesday, I’ll get to that next story.
February 22, 2023: Three stories and 19 pages today. I skipped a story that was 30 pages. I’m too tired to get into that tonight.
February 23, 2023: Only one story tonight, but it was the 30 page story I skipped, so I’m feeling good about that.
February 25, 2023: BREAKTHROUGH! Seven stories and 87 pages today!
February 26,2023: I made it through a total of six stories and 63 pages. I think the next day that I can devote an evening to reading will be the day that I finish this book.
February 27, 2023: The last four stories and the last 77 pages, the book is complete. It took me two weeks, which is about 10 days longer than it would have taken in normal circumstances. And now that I have managed to complete the book, I feel content.
For making it this far into this mini-journal of my attempt to push back at the dark, you have my thanks. Am I “cured”? No, the journey is only beginning. Some days will be better than others.
I said hello to my son when he was 20 days old. He had spent the previous week at Crisis Nursery. His birth mother had made a valiant effort to parent him during the first two weeks of his life, but many obstacles made that an impossible challenge. Instead, she performed the greatest act of love in finding him a home, which turned out to be our home.
I said goodbye to my son when he walked out of the house when he was 18, desperate to prove he was a “grown-ass man.” My last words on that day were a reminder that he was welcome to return home at any time.
I said goodbye to my son as he turned to drugs to self-medicate his profound ADHD symptoms, having stopped his usual medication when he walked out.
I said goodbye to my son when he overdosed eight months later. Thankfully we got him help in time (that time).
I said goodbye to my son four months after that when he was arrested for drug possession and intent to deliver.
I said goodbye to my son seven months later when he declined to come home after he was released from jail.
said goodbye to my son ten months after that when he entered his first inpatient rehab attempt and again four months later for his second attempt.
I said goodbye to my son a week ago today when he overdosed and we weren’t there to help him.
I say goodbye to my son today when we bury his ashes into the ground.
I said hello to my son every day of his life, but his brain chemistry would only let him hear me say goodbye.
“I live with bread like you, feel want, Taste grief, need friends: subjected this, How can you say to me, I am a King?”
–King Richard II Richard II, Act III, Scene 2
I love to bake bread. The process of creating a loaf of bread requires patience and careful consideration of ingredients. Time, air temperature, humidity, oven temperature: they all play a part in the final project.
I have long looked for interesting recipes, finding new tastes and techniques, but not often taking a chance on them. There is a comfort in sticking with previous success. Several years ago, I had an idea that would push me to accept the challenge. It was then that accepting the challenge became the challenge itself.
After years of putting it off, researching recipes, putting it off again, wanting to do it but too weak to even make one loaf (thanks, 2020!), this year I decided there was no better time to do it. It seemed natural to tie my twelve days of bread baking with the Twelve Days of Christmas (traditionally December 25 through January 5, leading to Epiphany on January 6). I made a post on Facebook announcing my intention to share loaves of bread for twelve days and I was surprised that within an hour, all bread had been claimed. There was no turning back now.
The first bread is actually two types of rolls that were reserved for my darling bride’s parents, a thank you for the greatest gift I have ever received. Additionally, I made our traditional cinnamon star bread for the family Christmas breakfast.
Japanese Milk Bread Rolls and Rosemary Potato Rolls
The second bread caught my attention due to the inclusion of herbs within the recipe. In fact, many of the recipes include herbs, which is something I want to be able to do with any bread, selecting herbs that will enhance or change the flavor of each bite. I also selected this recipe to give me an opportunity to use a clay baking bowl that I received as a gift last year.
The challenge with this quick bread is that there are actually two doughs made — a whole wheat dough with rosemary and an all-purpose flour dough with cheese powder and shredded Cheddar — then placed in the loaf pan checkerboard-style. You can see from the photo of the interior that I didn’t do a good job of laying out the two loaves. Mostly, this was due to having two scoops of different sizes and having more of the cheddar cheese dough. Still, I am happy that the doughs incorporated and come together while baking.
Rosemary Cheddar Cheese Bread
Rosemary Cheddar Cheese Bread Interior, photo courtesy of Tara S.
I am fascinated with flatbreads. About nineteen months ago, I watched a video interview with The Bread Monk. In this interview, he spoke of a flatbread recipe book, full of amazing breads. I tried one, which didn’t go well, and then put it away. This recipe did not come from that book, but it was something that allowed me to dip my toe back into the flatbread world. I hope to give that recipe book another try soon.
For several years, I have entered breads at the Illinois State Fair culinary competitions. It has only been in the last three years that I have been able to secure awards for one of the top three breads within a particular category. One category that I almost always enter is officially labeled as “14133 – Miscellaneous Fruit Bread,” a subcategory of the quick bread category. The rules for breads are exacting: no nuts, chips, icing, etc. For this reason, I don’t often bake quick breads that call for a glaze. This recipe has been in my binder of “to be baked” breads for years, but I never pulled it out because in the back of my mind, I am usually thinking about next year’s fair.
Here is another recipe that I have had saved for years but have never made. There is something romantic about a bread bowl. The care to come up with a hearty soup to fill the bowl, the hunk of bread removed then used to dunk in said soup, then having the bowl itself to consume — the thought of all of this makes me happy.
My family has a fondue party tradition on New Year’s Eve. It is something that we have done together for about a decade. This year, we had to alter the tradition as one of my sons had to work that evening, so we partied at noon. To me, breadsticks are the optimum shareable bread.
When I selected the recipes for this project, I felt that this would be the most challenging, the one that would require the most attention to detail and to process. It didn’t disappoint! Thankfully, my darling bride, Ginger, was on hand to lend both of her hands to the shaping process. Of all of the breads that I am making in this project, this will definitely be one I do for my family very soon.
This is the only bread in the project that gave me fits with an ingredient. Both the dough and the finished topping called for crystalized ginger, but I could not find it in the spices section of local stores. Just an hour before I was to begin baking this, I found some … in the snack aisle! I love the flavor of ginger, so that this recipe, in addition to the crystalized ginger, also comes with ground ginger and fresh ginger, the smell while this was baking was heavenly.
I have baked many preztel-type items in the last couple of years, primarily pretzel rolls or pretzel buns. This recipe intrigued me because it basically miniaturizes the pretzel roll concept. Parts of this recipe concerned me: a warning to spray parchment paper before baking to prevent the pieces from sticking to said paper while baking, rolling the pretzels in melted butter after baking. Recipe reviews warned of an overly baking soda flavor to the finished product and recommended a weaker water bath or a shorter time in that water bath. In the end, they didn’t get that classic pretzel coloring, but the taste is there. It didn’t come out as I planned, which I didn’t expect each of these recipes to do. However, that is what this project is about: trying new things. And in the end, this turned out to be a qualified success.
When it comes to baking breads with cinnamon, the natural first thought tends to be cinnamon rolls. What drew me to this recipe is that the cinnamon gets a starring role without the icing to get in the way.
Cinnamon Swirl Bread
Day 12: Classic Scottish Shortbread
For the final day of this project, I went with my family heritage. I love having a connection with Scotland. I have only been there once, and I have only seen a small part of it, but I am forever connected to it in my heart. I considered two Scottish breads and eventually chose this one because it is different than anything else in this project, with a different procedure for its creation. This is a bread without any leavening agent: no yeast, no baking powder, no baking soda. Baking this made my house smell wonderful!
Classic Scottish Shortbread
After years of planning and putting it off, I cannot believe that this project is finished. I wanted to gain experience with making different types of breads and learn to use different techniques. This project helped me to achieve that goal. There were, however, two surprises. I did not expect to be overcome by a wave of happiness I was through giving away each loaf. It was a feeling of pure joy that kept a smile on my face for several minutes each day. The other surprise was seeing that same joy and happiness returned to me by each person that received a gift of bread. At first, I didn’t get it. But then one of the bread recipients summed it up.
[W]hat I love the most is knowing that time and thought went into his make.
Heather G.
Three of these breads will likely end up as entries in the 2022 Illinois State Fair Culinary competition.
I must thank my darling bride, Ginger, and our sons, who had to watch me make bread each day, smell the doughy goodness, and then watch each bread walk out the door. I didn’t leave them out entirely. I did make a family favorite near the end of the project just for them.
Herbed Fougasse
With much thanks to King Arthur Baking and the community at AllRecipes.com, which provided the source for the recipes used in this project, I am ready to call this a success.
“Ay, to the leavening; but here’s yet in the word ‘hereafter’ the kneading, the making of the [bread], the heating of the oven and the baking; nay, you must stay the cooling too, or you may chance to burn your lips.”
Having enough weapons available that just about anyone can kill others with minimal effort is bad enough. However, we have taken it to the extreme by weaponizing practically everything.
We have weaponized patriotism.
I fly my flag at home, on my truck, wear clothing with flags on them, share images on Facebook. You don’t do all of these things, so I am more patriotic than you. You are unpatriotic.
We have weaponized religion.
God > Jewish God, God > Muslim God, God > Hindu gods. I repeat every Jesus meme I see because I’m not afraid to do so. I challenge others to not be afraid to repost, but when they don’t, I don’t think they are fearful. I think they hate God.
We have weaponized education.
Common core sucks. Teachers are lazy and just want summers off. Teachers are working too hard to indoctrinate our kids. Schools only exist to control our communities and steal our tax dollars.
We have weaponized politics.
True Republicans believe x and not y. True Democrats believe y and not x. If you waiver in any way, you are a hypocrite. My beliefs are pure and will lead to a utopian society. Your beliefs will bring about the end of the world.
We have weaponized the police.
Sure, there are a few bad apples, but we can’t get rid of them because we don’t know who are the worst. Not all are bad. “What about those who aren’t overly bad but don’t do anything about those that are?” What!?! Violate the fraternity of police officers? How dare you suggest a thing!
We have even weaponized the military.
Our troops are infallible. If you believe any less than this, you don’t support our troops, you commie freak.
Often wrong…but that is the great thing about having an opinion. Your opinion doesn’t have to be the same as someone else’s opinion. Facts are different. Differing opinions can lead to great discussions, so let me start the discussion here.
Short Films
Anyone who even has a passing relationship with my online presence knows of my love of short films. I am not always that good at predicting the winners in this category, probably because I look for something others do not.
Documentary Short Subject: Herion(e) [close second choice Knife Skills] Winner: Heaven Is a Traffic Jam on the 409 – This choice confounded me.
Animated Short Film: Garden Party [close second choice Dear Basketball (winner)]
Live Action Short Film: My Nephew Emmett [close second choice Watu Wote/All of Us] Winner: The Silent Child – I am pleased with this.
Post-Production Awards
While I am better at these awards than I am at the shorts, I am still only successful on these 50% of the time over the last ten years.
Film Editing: Dunkirk – The ability of the editor to make a seamless story out of three timelines of different length truly amazed me.
Sound Editing:The Shape of Water Winner: Dunkirk
Sound Mixing: Star Wars: The Last Jedi – I make this my pick based on ten seconds of pure silence during the climactic battle scene. Winner: Dunkirk – I wish members of the Academy could accept that the same movie does not have to win both sound categories.
Visual Effects: War for the Planet of the Apes – Yes, the effects team is working with the same apes as in previous films, but then they mixed in apes covered in snow and I was hooked. Winner: Blade Runner 2049
In-Production Awards
Production Design is my best category in this group. It may have something to do with the detail I put in while decorating the stage for the plays I have directed. Other than that, it is certain that I don’t know much about cinematography and costume design.
Cinematography: The Shape of Water Winner: Blade Runner 2049
Costume Design: Phantom Thread (a safe pick to choose a movie about designing clothes)
Makeup and Hairstyling: Darkest Hour (this category has been waiting for this movie)
Production Design: Darkest Hour Winner: The Shape of Water
Music
I should be better at music. There isn’t a single facet of my life that isn’t connected to music. I do fine with Original Score (80% success over ten years) but I am weaker in Original Song (60%).
Original Score: Star Wars: The Last Jedi (Oscar loves to reward longevity and it has been 24 years since he last one for his score of Schindler’s List. He has 46 score nominations and five song nominations. I see this as one last reward.) Winner: The Shape of Water – I was surprised by this. The music cues often reminded me of the music from Up.
Original Song: “This Is Me” from The Greatest Showman Winner: “Remember Me” from Coco – The Academy seems to have a distaste for showstoppers.
Writing
These are the two most important categories in my mind. Great movies need great stories. A great script is the bridge that gets you from story to movie.
Adapted Screenplay: Call Me By Your Name (I chose this mostly by word of mouth. I only saw two films in this category.)
Original Screenplay: Get Out (No movie in this category will surprise me when it wins. There were five outstanding stories in this list.)
Specialty Features
Animated Feature: Coco (If there is a slam dunk this year, this is it.)
Documentary Feature: Faces Places [Apparently, Russia has a smear campaign against Icarus (Russian doping in the Olympics) and Last Men in Aleppo (volunteers in the White Hats who provide rescue and care for those suffering in the Syrian civil war).] Winner: Icarus – I am fine with this choice. In fact, it was my initial choice. I often change a few from my rough draft to my final picks. This year, I only switched this category and it got me in trouble.
Foreign Language Film: The Square Winner: A Fantastic Woman – I hope I get a chance to see this.
Acting
For once, I don’t think that there is any challenge to the acting awards. That being said, I will probably only get one of the four correct.
Best Supporting Actress: Allison Janney in I, Tonya
Best Supporting Actor: Sam Rockwell in Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri
Best Actress: Frances McDormand in Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri
Best Actor: Gary Oldman in Darkest Hour (It is criminal that this is only his second nomination. It is equally criminal that he hasn’t won this award yet.)
And finally…
Directing: The Shape of Water
Best Picture: Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri Winner: The Shape of Water
The Mad Mathematician 